Why?

Today is Saturday. The day before Mother's Day.  I had actually not even planned on coming back to Ogden this weekend until I realized it was Mother's Day weekend. Of course I was going to come home! I have the best mother in the world and I want to celebrate her day with her.

But I don't get it.  I'm trying. I'm trying SO hard! I don't think they see it. But I am. I've spent all week gathering application after application everywhere I see and have applied on any and every job website I can possible find known to man.  I am going to get a job! I am.  But they don't get it.  I was excited about all I had done so I told them about it. And before I could finish what I was saying I hear...

"don't give up! You have to keep trying. You can't just go in once. You have to nag and nag at them til they hire you."

Ummm.. did I say I was done? You think I'm done trying? HECK NO! I was just about to tell you I was going to try them again next week. But did you listen?  No. Do you ever? Not really.

So why? Why do I care to share my life with people who just tell me I'm not trying.  How do they know if I'm trying? They don't see the hours I spend in Logan doing everything I can to make them proud.  Yes. Proud. I'm trying to make them proud. But do I ever hear them say it? No. Cause obviously I don't make them proud.

"She is always sitting around and just goes out having fun. She never helps"

ummm hello.. I'm sitting right here. I CAN HEAR YOU!  I am NOT always out having fun. This weekend is the most fun I've had  in months AND probably ever will! Why? Because Logan sucks. No one does anything fun.  What about Ogden? It's worse.  And what do you mean I never help? Who do you think picks up around the house? The twins? PSH! Yeah right. I don't even live here. I don't remember Melissa ever getting in trouble because she didn't help. Heck. I don't remember ever seeing Melissa. She always came to Ogden and spent every last minute with her friends. I come home to hang out with my family. But when you don't tell me what is going on... what else am I going to do?  Go out and do something! I refuse to just sit around.  Melissa never cared to hang out with us.  But thats ok. Cause she is the favorite. (you don't believe me?) She is. I have three older siblings and since they were so well trained to getting jobs... I'm sorry I suck. I'm sorry I'm not good enough.  I'm trying to get a job. Trying so I can pay for my own crap and don't have to ask you ever again. Getting a job so I can say "no I can't come to the family reunion because I have a job"

I'm not trying now you say? DUH! CAUSE I'M IN OGDEN!

Why can't people see I'm trying. Why can't people see that all I ever try to do is make others happy. Why can't people see that I'm not happy.

Why don't people understand that you can only care for everyone else for so long without anyone showing a sign of caring for you.  All people ever do is take take take... all I've ever done is give give give. I'l admit I have been spoiled by my family. Well they should stop. I don't want their crap. If I can't have it. I don't need it. Don't buy me things. I don't want it.

Why do I try?

   Well, I refuse to spend the rest of my life asking for help.  I refuse to be told I'm not trying. I know I am. I refuse to live here any longer. I'm done. I can't stand it.

I am trying. Whether you see it or not.