*sigh*

So.. oh what a week it has been.

As you know, I've been having a really hard time finding a job. And actually lost all hope for myself last week when I found out my roommate had gotten a job.

I sat at home all weekend crying because for some reason I couldn't get it right. I couldn't seem to get a job. And I just couldn't seem to get myself to be happy. No matter what I did.  

Sunday came around and so I tried again to be happy. I was ok for about half the day.. then I just broke down the other half and cried some more.

I woke up Monday morning (memorial day) and I just... did not feel good.  So I didn't eat anything. Nothing at all. finally I forced myself to eat something (I don't even remember what) But I still felt sick.

Tuesday comes around and I kicked myself in the butt. I told myself to stop being dumb and try again.  So I get up and I get myself ready. I gather all my things and I go job hunting.  It was.... ok.  It sucks. No one seems to be hiring. I suck at this job hunting thing.  

I went searching for two hours.  Then I was done. I couldn't do it anymore. I was exhausted. My knee was killing me. And... I hadn't eaten anything (pretty much) in the past two days. I was killing myself. I just.. I couldn't do it.

So I started walking home.  I got half way up the hill when I thought.... I want to go to the temple. So I started walking South and eventually ended up standing just west of what I've decided is one of the prettiest temples ever.  I walked on the grounds and just looked at it.  And I started crying. I didn't understand.  Why can't I seem to get anything right.  Why am I not happy?

I wandered the grounds until I found a bench.  Someone once told me there was a bench there but I had never seen it before. I went and I sat by it. Not on it...  but by it. And I just looked at the sky and the temple. Closed my eyes. Thought to myself.

I don't think I really thought anything in particular.  Just thought to myself.

Finally I left and I started walking home.  My mom asked me how I was and what I had done that day.  I explained my job hunting and how I was officially bored and had nothing else to do.  She suggested me coming home earlier.  

Saturday is my grandparent's anniversary and our whole family made this quilt that we are going to give to them.  It's beautiful.  But my mom needs help finishing it.  So I figured I'd go home and help her finish it before Saturday.  It's not like I have anything in Logan to do.

So a few hours later my dad picked me up and I made my way back to Ogden.  I got home and I just felt... so welcomed. So good. I felt like that was where I needed to be!

Woke up Wednesday morning at 5:40 am. I went swimming with my dad and another member of the ward.  It was actually one of the most fun things I've ever done.  I loved it.  And I wish I weren't so incredibly tired... cause I'd go again tomorrow.  Anyways.

later around 9 am I got to talk to my most favorite person in the world. The one person who no matter what is going on in my life. No matter how sucky things seem to be.  He always makes me smile. And He makes me feel so loved. I love him so much. And I'm glad I get the chance to talk to him.

The day continued on after that. I cleaned the house. I ironed some of the material for my mom.  Then I watched tv... cause well... there was nothing else to do.

Finally it got to a point where my family went shopping for some things. Groceries. Clothes. Random items. Things for the quilt.   I decided not to go with them (I still don't feel well from Monday). So I'm sitting in the house all by myself and I'm doing lots of different things. Played piano. Watched some more tv. Ate dinner (which.... is now making my stomach sick). Played piano some more.

I get a call.... 

"hello?"

"ummm hi. Is this Emily?"

"Yes it is."

"oh hi! I am ______ from walmart. I went over your application and I need to fill in some positions in the deli. A full time deli and a part time deli. Would you be interested in either of those placements?"

"oh yes!"

"alright. I need to get you in an interview"

"Ok when would be best?"

"Could you tomorrow sometime?"

"I'm actually out of town."

"Oh. When will you be back?"

"Not til next week."

"oh... well..."

he paused for a long time

"...I need to fill the positions in by the end of this week."

"oh"

"Maybe we'll call back if we haven't"

"oh alright"

"thank you for your time."

and I just sat there....

There it was. FINALLY a chance to get a job! A REAL INTERVIEW.

And I blew it.  Because I'm stupid.  And now I'm sitting here wondering... why did I come home? If I were in Logan right now...   it wouldn't matter and I'd be at that interview tomorrow!  But I'm not.

I've been told... things happen for a reason. We might not understand the reason right now. But eventually we will.

And I've been sitting here thinking...   what is the reason?

I just don't get it!

So.... near the end of next month... If I don't have a job.  I'm moving. I can't afford to live in Logan.  My parents can't afford for me to live in Logan. 

I think I'm just going to have to accept the fact that....   

I don't even know. I thought I had something to say there... But when I really stopped and thought about it.  I don't know.

the fact that I suck?

the fact that no matter what I seem to do... I still can't seem to be good enough?

the fact that I feel like my life is falling apart...

I read every night. I cry every night. I pray every night. And every morning if I remember.  I put more thought into my prayers and reading now then I ever have before...

but I still feel like my life is just....  melting away.   I can't seem to catch it. It just keeps slipping through my fingers.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Wonderful I say! Just Wonderful!

Oh the wonderful wonders of the world!

Isn't life great? Seriously!  Yeah, there are certain things in the world that would make my life a lot nicer. But what I do have right now... my life is great.

I have everything I'd ever dreamed of wanting.  I have a great family who loves me (And is slowly getting bigger. Hey Ryan!)

That's him and Tobi on the right! What a great picture

Melissa and Him are getting married in August! Weddings are so much fun!!! And I get to take pictures! YAY! Happy day for me! Happy happy happy!

But not only do I have a great family but I have AMAZING friends! We do so much fun stuff together. 

See Colette? Yeah! That chair... that class. Awesome times! When it started getting warm enough outside... we "stopped" going to our jog/walk (we didn't really stop.. we just didn't workout in the field house). Finding this chair was the best accomplishment of that class. Well... maybe not. I think the fact that half my clothes don't fit now because of that class is my best accomplishment!

All my friends are great!  This may sound weird but not having a boyfriend has made my life GREAT!  I've actually hung out with people and my family & I get along! I just

 love it!

Awwwww... Isn't Tobi adorable? He is the cutest puppy. Especially when he sleeps like that. LoL. What a great pup!

So anyways. Life is great... Yeah I don't have a job... I have no money... and I lost my scholarship.  But things will get better. I know it will! I'm trying my hardest! Things WILL get better!  One thing that is GREAT in my life.  It makes me so happy....

Yup! It is true! (I wrote the stuff in black... chelsea wrote the stuff in red)

But life really is great!  It's the simple things that make me smile and I just love it! LoL! Like

 this that I got the other day...   RAZZLES!  Have you ever seen the movie 13 going on 30?  Yeah! What a great movie!  So my mom and I were out shopping and we went to Michael's out in Riverdale and all we needed was some string... we ended up getting other stuff... but I found this!!! And I had to get it! Just so I could try it!  They were pretty good. "First it's a Candy... then it's a Gum!"  Awesome!

Yeah. Simple things are so funny. Like Colette and I FINALLY got our mail key yesterday...  we've been getting mail for a week but haven't had the chance to open it... cause its locked. So we finally opened it yesterday! TONS of mail!  (only four of the letters were for us...)  But still!!  Mail is one of the best things to get! No lie! It's my favorite. Which reminds me.. I need to send Chris a package... now ish.  Now ish = tomorrow. So yes.  I need to write letters to go in it... then figure out how much it'll cost to send it.. yeah

So life is just great! It's funny cause I don't actually have any stories...  WAIT! Most of you know this but I still love it!  I got a letter from chris last week... it was awesome!  But there wasn't just a letter... there was more... HIS THUMBDRIVE! With every picture he has taken on his mission on it! Oh it was awesome! I absolutely loved it!

I'll share some with you!  Here on the right is Chris! Christopher Don Spatig! My best friend in the whole world!  This is my favorite picture actually.  (who wouldn't absolutely love a picture of a handsome missionary in front of a temple?!)  He is the best friend I could ever have!  And I just can not wait for him to get home! (1 year 8 months... TODAY)

Yeah... I'm pretty lame.  But that's ok! I love him! and he knows it!  He is having the best time of his life right now and that is the way it needs to be!

But that isn't my only favorite!  This one right here! Oh my! It makes me laugh everytime! 

HEY! I have a video I should upload! It is hilarious....  But not quite.. I'll do that right after this picture!

The kid... you know the one who you can actually see... I think he is a goof ball. And all I've seen are pictures.  But anyways. From the right side to the left... Chris is the second one! Yeah! He is the cutest!

so video! You have to see it! It just made me laugh! It was the best thing ever!  Going through 220 pictures of chris's mission (and 4 of those were actually videos)  and to run across this video... Lol it was just HILARIOUS!  Now.... I'm not quite sure... what that is... but... oh well. Missionaries are weird. But thats ok. 

What a funny video!

Anyways! Dang everything is underlined now... I want that to go away...

Well who knows.. Dang this is going to get annoying.

I figured it out! Kinda.... I cheated.  Oh... didn't work.

Anyways!!!! So this next picture... oh I miss him.

He really is a great guy. And I absolutely love him.  I really can't wait for him to get home. But thats alright. I can wait.

He is having such a great time though! It's awesome and I love it! I love hearing from him and how everything is! A new story every time! (oh... and not a single one of his stories are ever told in an email.. even though he can email.. I never get a story in email...  He sends LETTERS!)

I just love letters! They are the best! And I know one is coming (he told me so) and I can't wait for it! They are my absolute favorite thing. Letters are so much more personal and its great. 

Christopher Don Spatig.. Here he is by Niagara Falls. OH I love it! I've stood there.. in that exact spot.. multiple times! Oh its great seeing him somewhere I've been. It just makes me smile! It's great and I can't wait til he comes home so I can take him back and show him the city! That'll be so much fun. You don't even understand! I'm way excited!

:D

Just looking at the picture puts a smile on my face!  Can it get any better then this?!

Yes. I love him! I love this Chris boy.  Very much!  He had a baptism a few weeks ago!!!

Oh I do not remember the guy on the lefts name... I could look it up. But I don't... Spencer Harding! There you go! He is the ward mission leader. Then you've got Chris ♡... yeah I'm cheesy....   Then Seven, the man that was baptized (obviously) and then Elder Storrs.

Isn't the church great? Bringing so many people together! And not just together physically.. but spiritually. And we will all be together forever! For all eternity! Oh I love it!

Now this is the end of his mission pictures right now (there are more... remember 220?)  I just decided to put up a few.  I absolutely love this boy and nothing could/will change my mind!

Not the best picture of me.. but oh I love him! And I miss him a lot.  He is quite the handsome fellow and its great! He makes me smile!

He is in the best place right now and I am so incredibly proud of him (and he knows it). I can't wait to hear from him again (yeah yeah I got an email this morning.... but remember? He doesn't tell me anything in emails...)

:D  He is a great guy and I hope that someday everyone will get to know him and love him just as much as I do. :D

And with this I guess I will end this blog.  I do not know what else to write (and I've written quite a lot).

I love my family! I love my friends! I love our church! And I absolutely with all my heart love Chris.

The End ♥

Why?

Today is Saturday. The day before Mother's Day.  I had actually not even planned on coming back to Ogden this weekend until I realized it was Mother's Day weekend. Of course I was going to come home! I have the best mother in the world and I want to celebrate her day with her.

But I don't get it.  I'm trying. I'm trying SO hard! I don't think they see it. But I am. I've spent all week gathering application after application everywhere I see and have applied on any and every job website I can possible find known to man.  I am going to get a job! I am.  But they don't get it.  I was excited about all I had done so I told them about it. And before I could finish what I was saying I hear...

"don't give up! You have to keep trying. You can't just go in once. You have to nag and nag at them til they hire you."

Ummm.. did I say I was done? You think I'm done trying? HECK NO! I was just about to tell you I was going to try them again next week. But did you listen?  No. Do you ever? Not really.

So why? Why do I care to share my life with people who just tell me I'm not trying.  How do they know if I'm trying? They don't see the hours I spend in Logan doing everything I can to make them proud.  Yes. Proud. I'm trying to make them proud. But do I ever hear them say it? No. Cause obviously I don't make them proud.

"She is always sitting around and just goes out having fun. She never helps"

ummm hello.. I'm sitting right here. I CAN HEAR YOU!  I am NOT always out having fun. This weekend is the most fun I've had  in months AND probably ever will! Why? Because Logan sucks. No one does anything fun.  What about Ogden? It's worse.  And what do you mean I never help? Who do you think picks up around the house? The twins? PSH! Yeah right. I don't even live here. I don't remember Melissa ever getting in trouble because she didn't help. Heck. I don't remember ever seeing Melissa. She always came to Ogden and spent every last minute with her friends. I come home to hang out with my family. But when you don't tell me what is going on... what else am I going to do?  Go out and do something! I refuse to just sit around.  Melissa never cared to hang out with us.  But thats ok. Cause she is the favorite. (you don't believe me?) She is. I have three older siblings and since they were so well trained to getting jobs... I'm sorry I suck. I'm sorry I'm not good enough.  I'm trying to get a job. Trying so I can pay for my own crap and don't have to ask you ever again. Getting a job so I can say "no I can't come to the family reunion because I have a job"

I'm not trying now you say? DUH! CAUSE I'M IN OGDEN!

Why can't people see I'm trying. Why can't people see that all I ever try to do is make others happy. Why can't people see that I'm not happy.

Why don't people understand that you can only care for everyone else for so long without anyone showing a sign of caring for you.  All people ever do is take take take... all I've ever done is give give give. I'l admit I have been spoiled by my family. Well they should stop. I don't want their crap. If I can't have it. I don't need it. Don't buy me things. I don't want it.

Why do I try?

   Well, I refuse to spend the rest of my life asking for help.  I refuse to be told I'm not trying. I know I am. I refuse to live here any longer. I'm done. I can't stand it.

I am trying. Whether you see it or not.