*sigh*

So.. oh what a week it has been.

As you know, I've been having a really hard time finding a job. And actually lost all hope for myself last week when I found out my roommate had gotten a job.

I sat at home all weekend crying because for some reason I couldn't get it right. I couldn't seem to get a job. And I just couldn't seem to get myself to be happy. No matter what I did.  

Sunday came around and so I tried again to be happy. I was ok for about half the day.. then I just broke down the other half and cried some more.

I woke up Monday morning (memorial day) and I just... did not feel good.  So I didn't eat anything. Nothing at all. finally I forced myself to eat something (I don't even remember what) But I still felt sick.

Tuesday comes around and I kicked myself in the butt. I told myself to stop being dumb and try again.  So I get up and I get myself ready. I gather all my things and I go job hunting.  It was.... ok.  It sucks. No one seems to be hiring. I suck at this job hunting thing.  

I went searching for two hours.  Then I was done. I couldn't do it anymore. I was exhausted. My knee was killing me. And... I hadn't eaten anything (pretty much) in the past two days. I was killing myself. I just.. I couldn't do it.

So I started walking home.  I got half way up the hill when I thought.... I want to go to the temple. So I started walking South and eventually ended up standing just west of what I've decided is one of the prettiest temples ever.  I walked on the grounds and just looked at it.  And I started crying. I didn't understand.  Why can't I seem to get anything right.  Why am I not happy?

I wandered the grounds until I found a bench.  Someone once told me there was a bench there but I had never seen it before. I went and I sat by it. Not on it...  but by it. And I just looked at the sky and the temple. Closed my eyes. Thought to myself.

I don't think I really thought anything in particular.  Just thought to myself.

Finally I left and I started walking home.  My mom asked me how I was and what I had done that day.  I explained my job hunting and how I was officially bored and had nothing else to do.  She suggested me coming home earlier.  

Saturday is my grandparent's anniversary and our whole family made this quilt that we are going to give to them.  It's beautiful.  But my mom needs help finishing it.  So I figured I'd go home and help her finish it before Saturday.  It's not like I have anything in Logan to do.

So a few hours later my dad picked me up and I made my way back to Ogden.  I got home and I just felt... so welcomed. So good. I felt like that was where I needed to be!

Woke up Wednesday morning at 5:40 am. I went swimming with my dad and another member of the ward.  It was actually one of the most fun things I've ever done.  I loved it.  And I wish I weren't so incredibly tired... cause I'd go again tomorrow.  Anyways.

later around 9 am I got to talk to my most favorite person in the world. The one person who no matter what is going on in my life. No matter how sucky things seem to be.  He always makes me smile. And He makes me feel so loved. I love him so much. And I'm glad I get the chance to talk to him.

The day continued on after that. I cleaned the house. I ironed some of the material for my mom.  Then I watched tv... cause well... there was nothing else to do.

Finally it got to a point where my family went shopping for some things. Groceries. Clothes. Random items. Things for the quilt.   I decided not to go with them (I still don't feel well from Monday). So I'm sitting in the house all by myself and I'm doing lots of different things. Played piano. Watched some more tv. Ate dinner (which.... is now making my stomach sick). Played piano some more.

I get a call.... 

"hello?"

"ummm hi. Is this Emily?"

"Yes it is."

"oh hi! I am ______ from walmart. I went over your application and I need to fill in some positions in the deli. A full time deli and a part time deli. Would you be interested in either of those placements?"

"oh yes!"

"alright. I need to get you in an interview"

"Ok when would be best?"

"Could you tomorrow sometime?"

"I'm actually out of town."

"Oh. When will you be back?"

"Not til next week."

"oh... well..."

he paused for a long time

"...I need to fill the positions in by the end of this week."

"oh"

"Maybe we'll call back if we haven't"

"oh alright"

"thank you for your time."

and I just sat there....

There it was. FINALLY a chance to get a job! A REAL INTERVIEW.

And I blew it.  Because I'm stupid.  And now I'm sitting here wondering... why did I come home? If I were in Logan right now...   it wouldn't matter and I'd be at that interview tomorrow!  But I'm not.

I've been told... things happen for a reason. We might not understand the reason right now. But eventually we will.

And I've been sitting here thinking...   what is the reason?

I just don't get it!

So.... near the end of next month... If I don't have a job.  I'm moving. I can't afford to live in Logan.  My parents can't afford for me to live in Logan. 

I think I'm just going to have to accept the fact that....   

I don't even know. I thought I had something to say there... But when I really stopped and thought about it.  I don't know.

the fact that I suck?

the fact that no matter what I seem to do... I still can't seem to be good enough?

the fact that I feel like my life is falling apart...

I read every night. I cry every night. I pray every night. And every morning if I remember.  I put more thought into my prayers and reading now then I ever have before...

but I still feel like my life is just....  melting away.   I can't seem to catch it. It just keeps slipping through my fingers.

I don't know what to do anymore.