"Emily Mikhail wonders about life sometimes.... then she decides life isn't worth her time and watches movies instead."

My status of the moment... In many ways it's a very true status. When I don't want to think about life and what's going on or what I need to care about... I prefer not thinking at all.. Which usually involves watching a movie or an episode of that all time favorite show that just kills you when you miss.

But that's it. If I'm not doing those things... I'm always thinking about life. Life and everything that comes with it. The past, the present, the future. Where does it stop? That's just it! It doesn't stop! Life is a continual thing that never has an end. Lots of people think life will end once we die.. But it doesn't. We continue on to the heavenly world and continue our lives just like we've always lived them. I mean... How can someone NOT thinking about this?

It's almost nerve racking!!

"What's going to happen next in my life?"

"Who am I going to marry?"

"Am I going to have children?"

Will I stay friends with everyone in the future?"

It can even be as simple as "Am I going to get a pop quiz tomorrow in my geography class?!"

I mean... IT NEVER ENDS!

It's the forever long search of life. What is going on? How am I ever going to do this? What should I do next?

I've had so much on my mind lately. And not the ever so questioning "Who am I? Why am I here? Where am I going?" I know the answer to those.. without hesitation! Those are the EASY questions in life. But what I want to know is...

Am I ever going to get through this? What should I do next? Is he the one? Or... or is HE the one? Or... is there no one? What do I do? How do I decide? what if this.... what if that?

What if?

I had a really good day today. I woke up.. got on facebook, like I usually do, to see if a certain someone had said anything to me. Nope... no luck in that. My mother came to my room. Brought me the painting supplies! I asked her questions of what I was doing and exactly how to do it (I didn't want to screw up). Then she left and I went to work. I painted and painted and sewed then painted and painted then packed then painted and painted some more! It was fun! No lie! The chance to just be by myself for a while was really nice.

Oh! Let me tell you about my weekend! So I had no way back to Ogden.. for no one was going home. So Friday morning my mother calls me and says "We will be by around 4." So I go through my day and I take my sweet time getting ready when..

*ring ring*

"yeah?"

"Oh we are coming now."

So I pack my stuff up faster! And I wait... and wait... and wait... and think about life cause HEY what the crap else am I gonna do? Then they come and we pack my stuff into the car. Then off we go... to home? No. To the rental! The place that was once going to be my grandmother's home but then turned into an extra burden of my family. The renters had just moved out and someone else would be moving in... soon... as in NEXT WEEK! The old renters did NOTHING to help with the house. So straight from school... I go to manual labor. Ha! yeah... I spent my Labor Day weekend doing manual labor. Oh the joy! On Saturday, we spent from 10 that morning 'til 6 at night doing work... HARD work. My mom actually handed me the hedge trimmer (this sort of chainsaw looking machine) and tells me to go at it! So... I did! (and I discovered muscles I didn't know existed)

ANYWAYS. It really was a great weekend. I just... I just feel like something's missing.

Maybe it's... well, My best friend is getting married. And even though I LIVE with her.. I hardly see her. And my other best friend... she is getting married too. Everyone is leaving me!

I know they aren't really but... I'm just worried that my life is never going to get started. I still feel like the little 7th grader who stepped into the halls of junior high and thought "I miss recess". And she just wanted to cry cause she knew no one. I don't feel like I've really moved on. I want to..

Oh boys. I love boys but I hate boys. I've been hurt. Worst than most know. And it's really scarred me. I have the hardest time trusting people. I want to.. I just want to be able to trust everyone again. There is this guy you see... And I really want to get to know him.. but.. I don't know. I'm having the hardest time! It's been driving me insane! How do people do this?! I really want to get out of this mess... I just want to get on with life. I want to date a boy... no.. step back. I want a guy to like me. To openingly admit and tell me that he likes me. I want a boy to enjoy being around me. I want to be able to just sit around and talk to a boy again. I miss those days. I miss being able to just talk without worrying what he's thinking. I want someone to love me like Spencer loves Colette. And Colette loves Spencer. Like Greg loves Nikelle... Nikelle loves Greg.

Like...

..the plants love the rain and sunshine.

..a child loves the mud.

..the student loves long weekends.

..the mother loves her child.

..the addict loves their addiction. (probably not the best to compare to...)

I just... like the song by Queen.

"Can anybody find me somebody to love?"

My questions for life right now are... Who? When? Where?

I'm ready to move on life... I'll take anything you throw at me. I just want to move on.