To be continued....

Dear anyone who reads this,

I would like to inform you that I will no longer be updating this blog. I no longer use the email that is connected to this blog and well.... that's just stupid to continue using it when I don't even use that email... So if you would like to read about my life and all the wonderful (and not so wonderful) things that happen in it, please go check out htttp://emilymikhail.blogspot.com/.

Love ya all!!!!

Love, Emily

"Emily Mikhail wonders about life sometimes.... then she decides life isn't worth her time and watches movies instead."

My status of the moment... In many ways it's a very true status. When I don't want to think about life and what's going on or what I need to care about... I prefer not thinking at all.. Which usually involves watching a movie or an episode of that all time favorite show that just kills you when you miss.

But that's it. If I'm not doing those things... I'm always thinking about life. Life and everything that comes with it. The past, the present, the future. Where does it stop? That's just it! It doesn't stop! Life is a continual thing that never has an end. Lots of people think life will end once we die.. But it doesn't. We continue on to the heavenly world and continue our lives just like we've always lived them. I mean... How can someone NOT thinking about this?

It's almost nerve racking!!

"What's going to happen next in my life?"

"Who am I going to marry?"

"Am I going to have children?"

Will I stay friends with everyone in the future?"

It can even be as simple as "Am I going to get a pop quiz tomorrow in my geography class?!"

I mean... IT NEVER ENDS!

It's the forever long search of life. What is going on? How am I ever going to do this? What should I do next?

I've had so much on my mind lately. And not the ever so questioning "Who am I? Why am I here? Where am I going?" I know the answer to those.. without hesitation! Those are the EASY questions in life. But what I want to know is...

Am I ever going to get through this? What should I do next? Is he the one? Or... or is HE the one? Or... is there no one? What do I do? How do I decide? what if this.... what if that?

What if?

I had a really good day today. I woke up.. got on facebook, like I usually do, to see if a certain someone had said anything to me. Nope... no luck in that. My mother came to my room. Brought me the painting supplies! I asked her questions of what I was doing and exactly how to do it (I didn't want to screw up). Then she left and I went to work. I painted and painted and sewed then painted and painted then packed then painted and painted some more! It was fun! No lie! The chance to just be by myself for a while was really nice.

Oh! Let me tell you about my weekend! So I had no way back to Ogden.. for no one was going home. So Friday morning my mother calls me and says "We will be by around 4." So I go through my day and I take my sweet time getting ready when..

*ring ring*

"yeah?"

"Oh we are coming now."

So I pack my stuff up faster! And I wait... and wait... and wait... and think about life cause HEY what the crap else am I gonna do? Then they come and we pack my stuff into the car. Then off we go... to home? No. To the rental! The place that was once going to be my grandmother's home but then turned into an extra burden of my family. The renters had just moved out and someone else would be moving in... soon... as in NEXT WEEK! The old renters did NOTHING to help with the house. So straight from school... I go to manual labor. Ha! yeah... I spent my Labor Day weekend doing manual labor. Oh the joy! On Saturday, we spent from 10 that morning 'til 6 at night doing work... HARD work. My mom actually handed me the hedge trimmer (this sort of chainsaw looking machine) and tells me to go at it! So... I did! (and I discovered muscles I didn't know existed)

ANYWAYS. It really was a great weekend. I just... I just feel like something's missing.

Maybe it's... well, My best friend is getting married. And even though I LIVE with her.. I hardly see her. And my other best friend... she is getting married too. Everyone is leaving me!

I know they aren't really but... I'm just worried that my life is never going to get started. I still feel like the little 7th grader who stepped into the halls of junior high and thought "I miss recess". And she just wanted to cry cause she knew no one. I don't feel like I've really moved on. I want to..

Oh boys. I love boys but I hate boys. I've been hurt. Worst than most know. And it's really scarred me. I have the hardest time trusting people. I want to.. I just want to be able to trust everyone again. There is this guy you see... And I really want to get to know him.. but.. I don't know. I'm having the hardest time! It's been driving me insane! How do people do this?! I really want to get out of this mess... I just want to get on with life. I want to date a boy... no.. step back. I want a guy to like me. To openingly admit and tell me that he likes me. I want a boy to enjoy being around me. I want to be able to just sit around and talk to a boy again. I miss those days. I miss being able to just talk without worrying what he's thinking. I want someone to love me like Spencer loves Colette. And Colette loves Spencer. Like Greg loves Nikelle... Nikelle loves Greg.

Like...

..the plants love the rain and sunshine.

..a child loves the mud.

..the student loves long weekends.

..the mother loves her child.

..the addict loves their addiction. (probably not the best to compare to...)

I just... like the song by Queen.

"Can anybody find me somebody to love?"

My questions for life right now are... Who? When? Where?

I'm ready to move on life... I'll take anything you throw at me. I just want to move on.

Sooo... Here I am again writing another Blog.... I've notice I only write when I seem to be having a sucky day...

It is September 3 2009 and at this very moment... the UoU vs. USU game is playing. I tried for a good 20 minutes to figure out what channel to watch it on and everything. And in the end... I found out it was channel 616.. I channel that does not exist on our tv... oh sad.

So I'm sitting here in my room thinking... "this sucks"

Everyone is gone. Roommates. Neighbors. heck! Friends! They are ALL on missions. And here I am.

No more depressing things! I moved back to Logan two weeks ago and Oh! how great it feels to be back in Logan. Back at USU. Oh I love being an Aggie! I'm almost through the second week of school and it really truly has been awesome! How could a year get any better (well... I can think of a few ways but I don't like getting my hopes up... lol)

Anyways! My classes are great! Boring at some times but amazing at others! My physics class is great! Never thought I'd enjoy it as much as I do! The hand on experiences! Oh! I just love it! My COMD class is great. I'm learning tons of things that get me THAT much closer to my major. (that's the goal now isn't it?) My other classes are pretty amazing also. I just... don't know what to write about them.

I've been trying to Minor in Photography (but alas.... no one will email me back...). I'll get there ;-) and it'll be the coolest thing I've ever decided to do!!

Cobble Creek is just like last year! (Awesome in every way!) My roommates are so much fun! We hang out every night and talk! Neighbors are really funny (Dumb and Dumber) haha still makes me laugh. I'm actually meeting people this year! It's great! I love it! (why didn't I do this last year? oh yeah... because I was a little dumb scared freshman)

Oh if only I could tell you everything going through my mind right now! I have so many thoughts that have been rushing through my mind lately. And it's DRIVING ME INSANE! Oh man. Why couldn't God just make this easier for me... stop with the games! I just want to get on with life already!

..and my knee! oh where to start. It was great ALL summer. Never hurt (not really anyways). Before I moved back to Logan, Rachael and I went on bike rides every night. It was awesome. Good idea we had. Probably one of the best!! But today... oh man does my knee hurt. I had the hardest time walking home from campus today.

Colette and I were going to get in the hot tub. (hot water + bad knee = good relaxation) But did that happen? No.. Did I think it was going to? Not really. (getting my hopes up thing again)

I don't know what to think about my life and where it's going right now. Nothing bad is happening.. I just feel... feel like my life is stuck at... I don't know. Maybe that its on pause? But it's not. My life is definitely moving.. Just...

Man I hate trying to explain things that don't make sense. Never works and then it just confuses everyone.

This blog doesn't even make sense. I usually put planning into writing my blog. But today I... I have too many thoughts to organize them correctly. I just wanted to write them. Somewhere. I don't even care if someone reads it. I just needs to say it so it doesn't drive me insane anymore.

Oh man though. I went a good 8 months. EIGHT! And I thought to myself "man! This is so easy! I don't know why people complain about it." Then... well, then it happened. I forgot all about him. And now.. well to put it simply.. My thoughts aren't empty. All I've been able to think about all week. Almost to the point that it's driving me MAD!

You want to know what I want? It's SO simple. And yet... it's something I've decided I really want this semester. I want to go on a date. That sounds so dumb.. but hear me out. I haven't gone on a real "date" since the summer of 2007. How lame is that?! And not just a date... but really truly fun. Something that I don't regret. Something I remember. Even if it's just once. Just to have the thought of "Maybe someone does want to hang out with me".

This is seriously the most random blog I have EVER had! And I think I might be done..

So well... thanks for reading I guess. (lol if anyone actually did that is)

*sigh*

So.. oh what a week it has been.

As you know, I've been having a really hard time finding a job. And actually lost all hope for myself last week when I found out my roommate had gotten a job.

I sat at home all weekend crying because for some reason I couldn't get it right. I couldn't seem to get a job. And I just couldn't seem to get myself to be happy. No matter what I did.  

Sunday came around and so I tried again to be happy. I was ok for about half the day.. then I just broke down the other half and cried some more.

I woke up Monday morning (memorial day) and I just... did not feel good.  So I didn't eat anything. Nothing at all. finally I forced myself to eat something (I don't even remember what) But I still felt sick.

Tuesday comes around and I kicked myself in the butt. I told myself to stop being dumb and try again.  So I get up and I get myself ready. I gather all my things and I go job hunting.  It was.... ok.  It sucks. No one seems to be hiring. I suck at this job hunting thing.  

I went searching for two hours.  Then I was done. I couldn't do it anymore. I was exhausted. My knee was killing me. And... I hadn't eaten anything (pretty much) in the past two days. I was killing myself. I just.. I couldn't do it.

So I started walking home.  I got half way up the hill when I thought.... I want to go to the temple. So I started walking South and eventually ended up standing just west of what I've decided is one of the prettiest temples ever.  I walked on the grounds and just looked at it.  And I started crying. I didn't understand.  Why can't I seem to get anything right.  Why am I not happy?

I wandered the grounds until I found a bench.  Someone once told me there was a bench there but I had never seen it before. I went and I sat by it. Not on it...  but by it. And I just looked at the sky and the temple. Closed my eyes. Thought to myself.

I don't think I really thought anything in particular.  Just thought to myself.

Finally I left and I started walking home.  My mom asked me how I was and what I had done that day.  I explained my job hunting and how I was officially bored and had nothing else to do.  She suggested me coming home earlier.  

Saturday is my grandparent's anniversary and our whole family made this quilt that we are going to give to them.  It's beautiful.  But my mom needs help finishing it.  So I figured I'd go home and help her finish it before Saturday.  It's not like I have anything in Logan to do.

So a few hours later my dad picked me up and I made my way back to Ogden.  I got home and I just felt... so welcomed. So good. I felt like that was where I needed to be!

Woke up Wednesday morning at 5:40 am. I went swimming with my dad and another member of the ward.  It was actually one of the most fun things I've ever done.  I loved it.  And I wish I weren't so incredibly tired... cause I'd go again tomorrow.  Anyways.

later around 9 am I got to talk to my most favorite person in the world. The one person who no matter what is going on in my life. No matter how sucky things seem to be.  He always makes me smile. And He makes me feel so loved. I love him so much. And I'm glad I get the chance to talk to him.

The day continued on after that. I cleaned the house. I ironed some of the material for my mom.  Then I watched tv... cause well... there was nothing else to do.

Finally it got to a point where my family went shopping for some things. Groceries. Clothes. Random items. Things for the quilt.   I decided not to go with them (I still don't feel well from Monday). So I'm sitting in the house all by myself and I'm doing lots of different things. Played piano. Watched some more tv. Ate dinner (which.... is now making my stomach sick). Played piano some more.

I get a call.... 

"hello?"

"ummm hi. Is this Emily?"

"Yes it is."

"oh hi! I am ______ from walmart. I went over your application and I need to fill in some positions in the deli. A full time deli and a part time deli. Would you be interested in either of those placements?"

"oh yes!"

"alright. I need to get you in an interview"

"Ok when would be best?"

"Could you tomorrow sometime?"

"I'm actually out of town."

"Oh. When will you be back?"

"Not til next week."

"oh... well..."

he paused for a long time

"...I need to fill the positions in by the end of this week."

"oh"

"Maybe we'll call back if we haven't"

"oh alright"

"thank you for your time."

and I just sat there....

There it was. FINALLY a chance to get a job! A REAL INTERVIEW.

And I blew it.  Because I'm stupid.  And now I'm sitting here wondering... why did I come home? If I were in Logan right now...   it wouldn't matter and I'd be at that interview tomorrow!  But I'm not.

I've been told... things happen for a reason. We might not understand the reason right now. But eventually we will.

And I've been sitting here thinking...   what is the reason?

I just don't get it!

So.... near the end of next month... If I don't have a job.  I'm moving. I can't afford to live in Logan.  My parents can't afford for me to live in Logan. 

I think I'm just going to have to accept the fact that....   

I don't even know. I thought I had something to say there... But when I really stopped and thought about it.  I don't know.

the fact that I suck?

the fact that no matter what I seem to do... I still can't seem to be good enough?

the fact that I feel like my life is falling apart...

I read every night. I cry every night. I pray every night. And every morning if I remember.  I put more thought into my prayers and reading now then I ever have before...

but I still feel like my life is just....  melting away.   I can't seem to catch it. It just keeps slipping through my fingers.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Wonderful I say! Just Wonderful!

Oh the wonderful wonders of the world!

Isn't life great? Seriously!  Yeah, there are certain things in the world that would make my life a lot nicer. But what I do have right now... my life is great.

I have everything I'd ever dreamed of wanting.  I have a great family who loves me (And is slowly getting bigger. Hey Ryan!)

That's him and Tobi on the right! What a great picture

Melissa and Him are getting married in August! Weddings are so much fun!!! And I get to take pictures! YAY! Happy day for me! Happy happy happy!

But not only do I have a great family but I have AMAZING friends! We do so much fun stuff together. 

See Colette? Yeah! That chair... that class. Awesome times! When it started getting warm enough outside... we "stopped" going to our jog/walk (we didn't really stop.. we just didn't workout in the field house). Finding this chair was the best accomplishment of that class. Well... maybe not. I think the fact that half my clothes don't fit now because of that class is my best accomplishment!

All my friends are great!  This may sound weird but not having a boyfriend has made my life GREAT!  I've actually hung out with people and my family & I get along! I just

 love it!

Awwwww... Isn't Tobi adorable? He is the cutest puppy. Especially when he sleeps like that. LoL. What a great pup!

So anyways. Life is great... Yeah I don't have a job... I have no money... and I lost my scholarship.  But things will get better. I know it will! I'm trying my hardest! Things WILL get better!  One thing that is GREAT in my life.  It makes me so happy....

Yup! It is true! (I wrote the stuff in black... chelsea wrote the stuff in red)

But life really is great!  It's the simple things that make me smile and I just love it! LoL! Like

 this that I got the other day...   RAZZLES!  Have you ever seen the movie 13 going on 30?  Yeah! What a great movie!  So my mom and I were out shopping and we went to Michael's out in Riverdale and all we needed was some string... we ended up getting other stuff... but I found this!!! And I had to get it! Just so I could try it!  They were pretty good. "First it's a Candy... then it's a Gum!"  Awesome!

Yeah. Simple things are so funny. Like Colette and I FINALLY got our mail key yesterday...  we've been getting mail for a week but haven't had the chance to open it... cause its locked. So we finally opened it yesterday! TONS of mail!  (only four of the letters were for us...)  But still!!  Mail is one of the best things to get! No lie! It's my favorite. Which reminds me.. I need to send Chris a package... now ish.  Now ish = tomorrow. So yes.  I need to write letters to go in it... then figure out how much it'll cost to send it.. yeah

So life is just great! It's funny cause I don't actually have any stories...  WAIT! Most of you know this but I still love it!  I got a letter from chris last week... it was awesome!  But there wasn't just a letter... there was more... HIS THUMBDRIVE! With every picture he has taken on his mission on it! Oh it was awesome! I absolutely loved it!

I'll share some with you!  Here on the right is Chris! Christopher Don Spatig! My best friend in the whole world!  This is my favorite picture actually.  (who wouldn't absolutely love a picture of a handsome missionary in front of a temple?!)  He is the best friend I could ever have!  And I just can not wait for him to get home! (1 year 8 months... TODAY)

Yeah... I'm pretty lame.  But that's ok! I love him! and he knows it!  He is having the best time of his life right now and that is the way it needs to be!

But that isn't my only favorite!  This one right here! Oh my! It makes me laugh everytime! 

HEY! I have a video I should upload! It is hilarious....  But not quite.. I'll do that right after this picture!

The kid... you know the one who you can actually see... I think he is a goof ball. And all I've seen are pictures.  But anyways. From the right side to the left... Chris is the second one! Yeah! He is the cutest!

so video! You have to see it! It just made me laugh! It was the best thing ever!  Going through 220 pictures of chris's mission (and 4 of those were actually videos)  and to run across this video... Lol it was just HILARIOUS!  Now.... I'm not quite sure... what that is... but... oh well. Missionaries are weird. But thats ok. 

What a funny video!

Anyways! Dang everything is underlined now... I want that to go away...

Well who knows.. Dang this is going to get annoying.

I figured it out! Kinda.... I cheated.  Oh... didn't work.

Anyways!!!! So this next picture... oh I miss him.

He really is a great guy. And I absolutely love him.  I really can't wait for him to get home. But thats alright. I can wait.

He is having such a great time though! It's awesome and I love it! I love hearing from him and how everything is! A new story every time! (oh... and not a single one of his stories are ever told in an email.. even though he can email.. I never get a story in email...  He sends LETTERS!)

I just love letters! They are the best! And I know one is coming (he told me so) and I can't wait for it! They are my absolute favorite thing. Letters are so much more personal and its great. 

Christopher Don Spatig.. Here he is by Niagara Falls. OH I love it! I've stood there.. in that exact spot.. multiple times! Oh its great seeing him somewhere I've been. It just makes me smile! It's great and I can't wait til he comes home so I can take him back and show him the city! That'll be so much fun. You don't even understand! I'm way excited!

:D

Just looking at the picture puts a smile on my face!  Can it get any better then this?!

Yes. I love him! I love this Chris boy.  Very much!  He had a baptism a few weeks ago!!!

Oh I do not remember the guy on the lefts name... I could look it up. But I don't... Spencer Harding! There you go! He is the ward mission leader. Then you've got Chris ♡... yeah I'm cheesy....   Then Seven, the man that was baptized (obviously) and then Elder Storrs.

Isn't the church great? Bringing so many people together! And not just together physically.. but spiritually. And we will all be together forever! For all eternity! Oh I love it!

Now this is the end of his mission pictures right now (there are more... remember 220?)  I just decided to put up a few.  I absolutely love this boy and nothing could/will change my mind!

Not the best picture of me.. but oh I love him! And I miss him a lot.  He is quite the handsome fellow and its great! He makes me smile!

He is in the best place right now and I am so incredibly proud of him (and he knows it). I can't wait to hear from him again (yeah yeah I got an email this morning.... but remember? He doesn't tell me anything in emails...)

:D  He is a great guy and I hope that someday everyone will get to know him and love him just as much as I do. :D

And with this I guess I will end this blog.  I do not know what else to write (and I've written quite a lot).

I love my family! I love my friends! I love our church! And I absolutely with all my heart love Chris.

The End ♥

Why?

Today is Saturday. The day before Mother's Day.  I had actually not even planned on coming back to Ogden this weekend until I realized it was Mother's Day weekend. Of course I was going to come home! I have the best mother in the world and I want to celebrate her day with her.

But I don't get it.  I'm trying. I'm trying SO hard! I don't think they see it. But I am. I've spent all week gathering application after application everywhere I see and have applied on any and every job website I can possible find known to man.  I am going to get a job! I am.  But they don't get it.  I was excited about all I had done so I told them about it. And before I could finish what I was saying I hear...

"don't give up! You have to keep trying. You can't just go in once. You have to nag and nag at them til they hire you."

Ummm.. did I say I was done? You think I'm done trying? HECK NO! I was just about to tell you I was going to try them again next week. But did you listen?  No. Do you ever? Not really.

So why? Why do I care to share my life with people who just tell me I'm not trying.  How do they know if I'm trying? They don't see the hours I spend in Logan doing everything I can to make them proud.  Yes. Proud. I'm trying to make them proud. But do I ever hear them say it? No. Cause obviously I don't make them proud.

"She is always sitting around and just goes out having fun. She never helps"

ummm hello.. I'm sitting right here. I CAN HEAR YOU!  I am NOT always out having fun. This weekend is the most fun I've had  in months AND probably ever will! Why? Because Logan sucks. No one does anything fun.  What about Ogden? It's worse.  And what do you mean I never help? Who do you think picks up around the house? The twins? PSH! Yeah right. I don't even live here. I don't remember Melissa ever getting in trouble because she didn't help. Heck. I don't remember ever seeing Melissa. She always came to Ogden and spent every last minute with her friends. I come home to hang out with my family. But when you don't tell me what is going on... what else am I going to do?  Go out and do something! I refuse to just sit around.  Melissa never cared to hang out with us.  But thats ok. Cause she is the favorite. (you don't believe me?) She is. I have three older siblings and since they were so well trained to getting jobs... I'm sorry I suck. I'm sorry I'm not good enough.  I'm trying to get a job. Trying so I can pay for my own crap and don't have to ask you ever again. Getting a job so I can say "no I can't come to the family reunion because I have a job"

I'm not trying now you say? DUH! CAUSE I'M IN OGDEN!

Why can't people see I'm trying. Why can't people see that all I ever try to do is make others happy. Why can't people see that I'm not happy.

Why don't people understand that you can only care for everyone else for so long without anyone showing a sign of caring for you.  All people ever do is take take take... all I've ever done is give give give. I'l admit I have been spoiled by my family. Well they should stop. I don't want their crap. If I can't have it. I don't need it. Don't buy me things. I don't want it.

Why do I try?

   Well, I refuse to spend the rest of my life asking for help.  I refuse to be told I'm not trying. I know I am. I refuse to live here any longer. I'm done. I can't stand it.

I am trying. Whether you see it or not. 

First Time Experiences...

So this is my entry about a certain thing that I think is very important for everyone to know.  It is something everyone needs to experience at one point in their life.  It is hard for me to admit to having done anything, but I think it is important that everyone knows what it is I have done.

It was not a very good thing to do, but nonetheless (through peer pressure), I did it.  I did not enjoy it but I can now tell the world, "Yes, I have tried it.  It had a horrible taste and I promise I will NEVER do it again."  I felt a little fuzzy afterwards and very guilty for having done it at all.  I don't know what ever went through my mind as I was drinking it.  So many people in my life told me I should never try it.. "just say no".  Everyone warned me..  but I must confess... I did it.  I just couldn't resist... I wanted the pretty bottle! But I feel horrible.  I am sorry everyone for what I have done.  I would hope that somewhere deep down in your heart you could forgive me for this unspeakable thing...

To Colette:  I am sorry.  But I can never do it again.  No matter how much you liked the taste.  The way it dripped down the back of your throat..  the burn that you yearned for so much.  The desire you had all week to try it.  Walking in Walmart.. seeing it in the back of the store.. the back corner. Just sitting there... wanting us to take a sip.. why Colette? Why?!  I know you gave it up a while ago.. But why drag me down too?  Just why?

To Spencer:  Why Spencer?  Why did you buy it for us.  Yes, I know you are 22.  But that shouldn't make a difference!  Why did you EVER buy it for us... then make us drink it. Why?  I know you told me I'd enjoy it and I would never regret it.. But Spencer...  I feel so guilty.  Why did you do this to me? Why...

To My Roommates:  I'm sorry you had to watch... I'm sorry I spilt it all over the carpet.. The smell will go away!  eventually...

To My Parents:  I'm sorry for this unspeakable thing I have done.  I would hope that somewhere in your heart you would forgive me.  Please.  I'll never do it again. It was horrible and the thought of what I have done still lingers in my mind.  It was...  I don't even know what to say.  Except that I am truly sorry that I had fallen into the trap of life..

Never in my life had something I tried taste so incredibly disgusting... as the Coke I drank tonight!  The bubbles! ew!  What was I thinking?!?!?!  Never again I say! NEVER AGAIN!

Enjoy the pictures.. of this HORRIBLE HORRIBLE THING!

The Temptation brought upon me... BY COLETTE

Trying it... The first sip... EW

"I'M GONNA PUKE!"

She wanted it...  SHE CAN HAVE IT

See the way she drinks it! She just wanted it all!

The man behind this horrible thing. HORRIBLE I TELL YOU!

But I drank it. ALL of it..

IT IS GONE! (what a cool picture I took... :D)

And that is my story of when I drank my very first Coke.  (most disgusting thing ever...) and I will never do it again. 

:D   The End